The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

I Feel Bad About Leaving My Wife After Years Of A Dry Marriage

^{[Image credit: Matthias Cooper]}

My wife and I have been separated for 3 years before that we were together for 10 years and married for 9. I loved her very deeply and we were very happy. We had our children who are 12&10. After the children the sex became something I had to beg for. She never initiated it and I got rejected 99% of the time. At first I would say something and she would say I was nagging her. Then I asked her to go to marriage counseling and in one of the sessions she just snapped and said that we have our children now so what is the point of sex. I give her that she seemed to regret it immediately when she said it and said it was just a joke because she felt cornered by the therapist. She tried to disprove her statement by paying me attention but it only took a week for her to go back to her old ways. That’s when I decided I will drop the whole subject. I thought when she wanted sex she could talk to me.

This was 8 years ago. We never had sex, until about a year before our separation, I told my wife that I was unhappy and wanted change and maybe marriage counseling again and sex therapy but she was dismissive and said that I was nagging and why couldn’t I just be happy? she was happy and didn’t think we had a problem. I did love her still by then so it was hard for me to leave because we often leave when the love is gone. It took me a year to put my affairs in order and I told my wife that I was leaving her. I found a rental near my house so we can co-parent easier.

I started meeting women for casual sex but 2 years ago I met my gf. She is amazing in every aspect. I realized that I have true feelings for her very early on but we kept our relationship private for a while. Everything was good and everyone was happy. Now I have made my relationship public and a week ago I got a call from my mom and she asked me to visit her. She told me that my wife wants us to start counseling and therapy and reconcile. I wasn’t sure what to tell her because I have never told anyone the reasons for our separation. So she called my wife and my wife was there within 5 minutes (liek they had planned this) my wife said that she promise to make changes and that she has been thinking about it. She loves me and we are a family. My mom said I was selfish for throwing my daughters for a woman. Then my mom left to do shopping for dinner and my wife came on to me and tried to kiss and touch me and said that she was willing to give me what I wanted and start counseling. I backed away because I felt like I was betraying my gf.

I got home and I told my gf everything. She didn’t say much more than I should make this decision myself. She probably feels guilty for standing in the way children getting their family back. But I don’t love my wife and I don’t want her pity or doing things for me. I want my gf who wants me and gives me herself willingly. But now this turned into me choosing a woman over my daughters

More couples need to start talking about what their sex life is going to look like after they have kids. I know people can always go back on their word, but at least you have a game plan going into it. As for this dude, I'm glad the comments are all saying divorce, because y'all are living in "La La Land," pretending what you have now is a happy marriage. Your mom needs to back off; it's not her marriage. It's okay to move on and accept that some people are just amazing chapters in your lengthy novel and that the story keeps going on. Read the rest of the thread here.

I Think My Girlfriend Likes My Junk Better After The Accident

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So I (37M) have moderately severe eczema and skin issues in general. Without too much detail, certain fabric softeners make my skin itchy and some areas break out.

I have an average sized penis and I'm a grower. Recently moved in with my partner (35F) and she's aware of my skin condition. However the other day she washed my clothes with her detergent by accident, and I noticed after wearing my boxers for a few days that my penis was occasionally itchy and more swollen than usual.

The thing is, it's quite a bit girthier because of this. We had sex last night and I usually go down on her and help her climax at least once, but when I slid in this time, she absolutely erupted. I'm talking loud gasping, shuddering immediately, clawing my back, and squeezing the life out of my cock with her orgasm. It was so hot I came almost immediately at the same time. She's never had this kind of reaction to the size of my penis before.

Here's my conundrum, is there a way I can maintain my girthier cock without compromising my skin in the process? Has anyone else experienced the same thing? And how do I feel more confident about my normal size after seeing the kind of reaction she got from my swollen dick?

I think we’re making rocket science out of something that’s not that hard, folks. You just need to open up a private tab and Google some sex toys. It’s wild to me that you think enlargement and an allergic reaction sounds like a good enough method. Also, y’all just need to talk about the sex afterward and stop acting like the walls have ears, only mine do because I accidentally rented a haunted apartment. Anyways, if you two are gonna stay together forever, it’s best to start getting creative now if you actually want to keep things going. Read the rest of the thread here.

Why Is An Old Friend Trying To Break Up My Marriage?

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My husband (28M) and I (28F) met during university and started dating when we were 20, we got engaged at 22, and married at 23. He’s an amazing husband and father to our two year old daughter. I’m also currently pregnant with our second child. When we were dating and first married, my husband was always a little chubby and wasn’t ambitious about his career, health, or goals. He loved me and I love him so that part never really came up. Midway through our first pregnancy, I started to notice my husband changing for the better. He was consistent with the gym for the first time in his life, reduced his alcohol consumption to zero during the pregnancy and has maintained a low consumption ever since, started taking his career more seriously, etc. Our marriage has been infinitely better due to his changes and they inspired me to also make some positive lifestyle changes.

I have a friend who had a crush on my husband during our university days but my husband turned her down since he was trying to get with me at the time. She went through a really bad breakup with her long time boyfriend about six months ago and she is back to crushing on my husband. She has tried making advances and flirting with my husband and he plays it off as a joke and tells her to stop. Recently, she has been trying to put a wedge in between my husband and I. She basically understands that my husband is immovable and instead, has been trying to convince me that he doesn’t love me. One thing in particular resonated with me, which is that my husband was a “bum” before I got pregnant and all the changes he made are for our daughter and not me. My husband did start his whole self-improvement journey when I was pregnant after years of basically just living with the flow. He has always told me and showed me that he loves me and despite this, I can’t get my friend’s words out of my mind that I wasn’t enough to inspire my husband to be a better man. I hate myself for falling for her mind games. Someone please help me so I don't push my husband away.

Why are you calling that demon a friend? Kick her to the curb, my goodness, we'll all help you with our legs. Let her go be lonely and miserable somewhere else. I get y'all have been friends for a while, but she's not your sister's keeper. She needs to grow up, and see how many people stick around with her little mind games. I'm being harsh, but you'd be doing everyone a favor by kicking her out of your life. She'll have to learn one day. Read the rest of the thread here.

Cartoon Fetish Or Bad Lie?

^{[Image credit: Mochammad Algi]}

So my gf and I are doing it this morning and we're doing it missionary and it's really good.

At one point she screams out "give it to me Ben" my name isn't Ben, she then pauses and says "10, give it to me Ben 10, oh yea you like fucking Gwen don't you?".

She later acted embarrassed and admitted to me that she has a huge thing for Ben 10 as he was her first crush as a kid.

But I think she might he lying and there might be some Ben out there.

Am I crazy?

Tldr gf claims to have Ben 10 fetish

So Ben 10 is a child; I don't know what else really needs to be said. It would be one thing if she said Goku, because he's reportedly in his late 30s, but she didn't. I think they need to break up, folks. I'm all for the cartoon fetish people — when it’s ethically made and consumed out there — but it’s weird to be talking about a kid’s show like this, right? For the first time since I started this column, I'm actually hoping she really was cheating and slipped you another grown man's name. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Aleksandar Pasaric]